Diary of a Nobody etc etc Speed dating

excerpts from... Diary of a Nobody, not to be confused with the Nobody in the eighties, this is the Diary of the Nobody who has a bruised bum!

June 12th

The” Hands across the Water” speed dating evening was a complete let down you see………

These Goat herders (like London buses tend to roll along in threes) arrived in a posse and blatantly started offering to slaughter young kids for my pleasure, well after scraping myself off the ceiling in response to the thought that I’m being stalked by a network of paedophiles intent on murder, the grey fuzzy cells kick in and I remember baby goats are called kids, Ooooops in jumps the vegan and bending their ears mercilessly on the horrors of carnivores and if slaughter houses had glass walls etc etc…… a deathly silence ensues, glazed looks on their baffled weather beaten faces. I feel a diplomatic hat plop atop my fuming head, allowing them a moment to justify their actions they meekly point out that they lovingly slit their own kids throats after rearing them and looking after them, protecting them from smaller carnivores ,wolves ,rustlers or just other goat herders Hmmmmm not wishing to appear a culinary snob I rifle through the dog eared memories amid the chaos of a defunct filing system laughingly referred to as my brain and scramble about looking for some common ground (hopefully not blood stained) on which to parley, finally we stumble onto the wonders of living under canvas and the stars ( being a yurt owner myself ) then just as quickly run out of things to say and gape helplessly at each other as the dawning realisation hits that its more than an ocean that divides us. BING. So no budding romance for me as I watch my ticket out of single Ville shamble off towards the next table muttering to themselves, shame goat herders are in vogues at the WI coffee mornings, fair trade an all that” shag a peasant week” went down a storm . So where did I go wrong? I’m left wondering was it the veganism? Or the yurt versus goat herders shack argument? ………… actually I think it’s more likely the gob-on-a-stick woman syndrome! (Of which I am a chronic sufferer) I heard them say I don’t know my place! This is apparently collecting goat shite for the fire to cook his kids on! The cheek of it, mind you Id best sign up for a “goat herder’s wife experience workshop” if I get a certificate who knows …. Wouldn’t want to appear lacking Id never live it down at the next Oxfam “feed the world” banquet 5 courses of delicious food and all free how wonderful is that! How do they afford it?

Moon xx